DEPARTMENT OF DELIBERATE PROVOCATION REPORT CALLS BEATLES “ABSOLUTE SHITE”
(London, England) — In a major speech this morning, British Prime Minister David Cameron, citing a new Department of Deliberate Provocation report, branded the music of legendary pop group The Beatles “absolute shite, a joke” and its popularity “the very definition of Emperor’s New Clothes.” Labour party deputy leader Harriet Harmon said Cameron was “merely playing politics with the issue and kowtowing to Beatle-skeptics on the right of his party.”
The speech was based on the white paper The Beatles Really Are F*cking Terrible, authored by Department of Deliberate Provocation head Sir Nigel Dogg-Germs. It calls the Liverpool musicians “parent-pleasing popularisers” who are destined not to be remembered for their lyrics (“naive, piss-ass doggerel”) or music (“nursery rhymes that have been tarted-up like a whore”), but the way they “snowed entire gullible generations into believing they possessed artistic merit. Which they don’t.” The intentionally dissentious report further claimed that people who say they like the Beatles need to “f*cking wake up and smell the foetid stench that is the music” of their “favourite identikit pop stars”.
The Beatles Really Are F*cking Terrible, which was, of course, designed specifically to wind people up, higlighted the lyrics to “Love Me Do” for particular disdain: “Rhyming ‘do’, ‘you’ and ‘true’ is the mark of a twat, not a brilliant lyricist”. Other areas of the Beatles singled out for ridicule include the band’s films (“glorified home movies”), politics (“‘love’ is not all you need, dumb-ass”) and their insidious influence on drug culture (“an impact worse than Hitler”). Sir Nigel also labeled the band’s famous collarless Pierre Cardin suits “faggy”.
The only positive aspect of the Beatles’ career the report could identify was the “sh*tload of money the band brought in to the UK as a result of their musical confidence trick”.
Reaction to the Deliberate Provocation report has been swift and predictably outrageous with internet users on message boards and social media spouting ill-informed opinion as fact, engaging in unreasonable debate and trading inflammatory insults which have quickly escalated into threats of physical violence. Anonymous internet trolls have been especially active, stoking the blind, incoherent rage of those easily offended.
“You f*cking c*nt,” tweeted rrriotboi99 when 1peterappallingmary disagreed with him about the Beatles. “I hope your [sic] made to watch your family die in a fire, then get AIDS.”
In the wake of the calculated furore, Prime Minister Cameron casually mentioned that he plans to hold an in/out referendum on Britain’s membership of the EU.
farmerglitch
princeasbo
To be fair he would have said “SHIT” not shite which is American English and would never be used in Whitehall.
“Shite is also a common variant in British English and Irish English.[1]” from Wikipedia entry on Shit. (this is an actual Wiki article!)
See also http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/004633.html
The word “SHITE” is the more common version used by the lower classes which as I suggested would NOT have been used in Whitehall.
Even more likely he would have said “poo” being the upper class description used especially at Eaton.
This is satire–the whole thrust of the piece is preposterous. And so given that a damning report by a Deliberate Provocation department on the Fabs is far-fetched from the get-go, the use of the word ‘shite’ merely re-enforces its ludicrousness.
The only point of my original reply(s) was that ‘shite’ is British, not American, slang and therefore, in this silly context, appropriate.
Nothing more I like than talking shit.
i don’t know if the expression “shite” originates in the US or not, but it has been in use for some time in this country, particularly “oop north”… i have also noticed a tendency for middle-class types to use the word “poo” instead these days, which i personally find highly irritating as in my opinion “poo” is (and always has been) just as (c)rude as “shit” if not worse (and something immature children would find amusing as a “naughty” word), and they’re trying to make it semi-clean and acceptable. in my opinion, if you can’t handle coarse swear words when describing things as no good, then either say rubbish or garbage or something similar, or if you insist on referencing the stuff that comes out of your backside as a way of slagging something off without recourse to being lewd, then maybe the terms “excrement” or “faeces” should be used…? a thought has occurred to me: how about using the put-down “stools”? as in “the beatles’ music is stools”?
talking of which: as readers may know, i think the beatles are vastly overrated, and had they split after “rubber soul” they would have just been another highly-regarded act from that era, rather than the
“we’re not worthy” iconic giants bestriding popular music that they are considered by many people these days. ironically (in my opinion) they gained this god-like reputation through the leaden and dreary drug-fuelled self-indulgent “stools” they recorded from “revolver” onwards…
I thought this article might find favor with you.