(London, England) — In a major speech this morning, British Prime Minister David Cameron, citing a new Department of Deliberate Provocation report, branded the music of legendary pop group The Beatles “absolute shite, a joke” and its popularity “the very definition of Emperor’s New Clothes.” Labour party deputy leader Harriet Harmon said Cameron was “merely playing politics with the issue and kowtowing to Beatle-skeptics on the right of his party.”
The speech was based on the white paper The Beatles Really Are F*cking Terrible, authored by Department of Deliberate Provocation head Sir Nigel Dogg-Germs. It calls the Liverpool musicians “parent-pleasing popularisers” who are destined not to be remembered for their lyrics (“naive, piss-ass doggerel”) or music (“nursery rhymes that have been tarted-up like a whore”), but the way they “snowed entire gullible generations into believing they possessed artistic merit. Which they don’t.” The intentionally dissentious report further claimed that people who say they like the Beatles need to “f*cking wake up and smell the foetid stench that is the music” of their “favourite identikit pop stars”.
The Beatles Really Are F*cking Terrible, which was, of course, designed specifically to wind people up, higlighted the lyrics to “Love Me Do” for particular disdain: “Rhyming ‘do’, ‘you’ and ‘true’ is the mark of a twat, not a brilliant lyricist”. Other areas of the Beatles singled out for ridicule include the band’s films (“glorified home movies”), politics (“‘love’ is not all you need, dumb-ass”) and their insidious influence on drug culture (“an impact worse than Hitler”). Sir Nigel also labeled the band’s famous collarless Pierre Cardin suits “faggy”.
The only positive aspect of the Beatles’ career the report could identify was the “sh*tload of money the band brought in to the UK as a result of their musical confidence trick”.
Reaction to the Deliberate Provocation report has been swift and predictably outrageous with internet users on message boards and social media spouting ill-informed opinion as fact, engaging in unreasonable debate and trading inflammatory insults which have quickly escalated into threats of physical violence. Anonymous internet trolls have been especially active, stoking the blind, incoherent rage of those easily offended.
“You f*cking c*nt,” tweeted rrriotboi99 when 1peterappallingmary disagreed with him about the Beatles. “I hope your [sic] made to watch your family die in a fire, then get AIDS.”
In the wake of the calculated furore, Prime Minister Cameron casually mentioned that he plans to hold an in/out referendum on Britain’s membership of the EU.