From the Thrifty Vinyl 1965 Archives
SECRET CABAL OF WHITE RECORD EXECUTIVES DE-SELECTS DESMOND DEKKER AS ACCEPTABLE FACE OF REGGAE
(San Francisco, CA) – What is certain is that reggae will come, in time, to influence the style and substance of all popular music through its sonic experimenting, DJ culture, “toasting”, vague but self-righteous belief in God and glorification of marijuana. The Dance and Hip Hop genres will be particularly affected by Jamaican music. What is less certain is who will spearhead the international Reggae movement, that is unless you’re a member of a shadowy group of white record executives connected to the influential San Francisco men’s club, Bohemian Grove, who have rescinded their designation of Desmond Dekker as the official popularizer of the syncopated music.
“In Reggae,” explained Ernest Burick, who is the Bohemian Grover in charge of Western commercial entertainment, “You have all the elements that will allow popular music to remain popular while at the same time appear oppositional, in particular the identification with the ghetto ‘sufferas’ and the ‘Rude Boy’ stance, which will be latterly known as ‘Gangsta’.”
While Burick and his fellow “Bohos” will allow Dekkar “inroads” into the American marker, including an unprecedented Top Ten chart placing for “The Israelites”, his slightly shrill singing is deemed “too yard” for world domination. “His job is to simply soften up the market,” claimed Burick.
Burick said that Texan Johnny Nash was also in the running , but “he’s American, you see, and the ‘cultural imperialism’ tag would stick and alienate the Africans, in particular.”
“We are thinking that possibly Winston Rodney or whichever of the Wailers is most malleable will take Dekkar’s place as Reggae’s leading light,” Burick revealed.
The ultra-secret cabal of some of the most powerful men in the world has previously chosen Elvis Presley to instigate the popularisation of Rock and Roll, Bob Dylan for folk and the Beatles for Pop. In each case, the given performer will be liquidated either through drugs, assassination or motorcycle accidents when he becomes too powerful.
“We’ve already decided that whoever we choose to champion Reggae, we’ll give them cancer of the toe, you know, just for something a bit different,” said Burick with a cheery wink, adding, “And we’ve just picked Richard Nixon to be the next US president.”
Another 50p jobbie from yesterday in Ashford.