James Bond reclined in the swan shaped paddle boat, pumping the pedals leisurely up the Seine. The casual Left Bank observer could be forgiven for mistaking him and his companion for another romantic couple enjoying April in Paris, not the pair who saved the Eiffel Tower from destruction.
“Now that we’ve given Dr. Gateaux-Noir his just desserts,” here Bond paused to smile at his pun, his left eyebrow arched slightly, though his eyes remained heavy lidded–the effect was devastating. “What can I give to you?’
“Just a penis,” replied Mimi Bonne-Arse in a comically French accent.
“I beg your pardon?” Bond was shocked.
“A penis is all I ask of you,” she cooed, again the accent was ridiculously thick.
The smile was wiped from the agent’s face. His brow went from arched to furrowed. He’d saved the Eiffel Tower and, by extension, the Free World from the clutches of the evil Dr. Gateaux-Noir with this woman and now he felt like little more than a piece of meat.
Miss Bonne-Arse sensed his unease. “Just make me ‘appy, James and I will make you ‘appy.”
At last Bond understood: “a penis” = ‘appiness. “Oh yes,” purred the agent, “I will make you very, ‘ow you say, ‘appy.”
And as the two lovers paddled down the Seine past Notre Dame, locals watching the swan shaped paddle boat would swear that there was only one lone man travelling slowly with the most beatific smile they’d ever seen.
Editor: A rare Thrifty Vinyl outside broadcast, I got these three Barry soundtracks from 4 Paws animal welfare chaz in Scottsville, Virginia. Sorry about the old joke.