(Columbus, Ohio) — A survey of American boys age 8-12 published yesterday by the Ohio State University Center For Cultural Studies has revealed the young demographic’s heretofore unhinted micro-knowledge of classic rock ephemera, which has both astounded and baffled cultural academics. Responding to an OSU questionaire, the nation’s pre-teens identified works so obscure that they are, according to lead researcher Jamie Tan, “undocumented in any late 20th Century popular music reference book,” and includes such lost gems as “Wear Your Ringpiece Around My Neck”, “Love Me Poo”, and “The First C*nt Is the Deepest”.
“I’d never even heard of the singles ‘Little Douche Poop’ and ‘Good Vibrators’,” claimed music writer Dominic Priore, “Let alone the Bitch Boys, the unknown California band who apparently recorded them.”
Shaking his head in disbelief, high-brow critic and Bob Dylan scholar Greil Marcus said, “I thought I’d studied every Dylan track going but given that these precocious tweenies cited ‘Only A Homo’ and ‘Quim The Eskimo’ as the best Bob songs, well, I guess I have a lot more research to do.”
Boys from across the country were even happy to sing some of their most esteemed numbers: “Sh*ttin’ on the dock of the bay,” trilled one budding vocalist. “Watchin’ the turds roll away!”
Another lad happily crooned, “Riders on your mom!”
“Riders on your mom!” he added.
Other arcane songs featuring on the list of decades-old songs well-loved by pre-pubescent boys are, “Every Little Clit Hurts”, “Wet Dream Believer”, “Magic Busts”, “Wanky Panky”, “Itchy Poo Park” and “It’s My Farty”.
“The titles are vaguely familiar, yet I simply fail to recognise any of these records,” said fabulously wealthy rock writer Clifford Snoats. “It’s like these kids live in an alternate universe or something.”
For some reason, the only classic rock song previously known to music critics to appear in the survey was the 1971 Rolling Stones b-side, “Bitch”.
Stifling giggles, no doubt at their adult counterparts’ lack of pop culture awareness, the nation’s pre-teen boys mentioned a few disco songs from the 70s they also admired such as “Piss You”, “Shite Fever” and “Booger Ooger Ooger”.