David Bowie – Pinups (RS1003) (1973)

TIME-TRAVELLING BOWIE TO RELEASE COVERS ALBUM OF SHITTY ARTISTS HE WILL INFLUENCE IN THE FUTURE                                                                       

Pinups Lp To Be Made Up of Latter Day Songs That Sound Like David Bowie

What would you do if you had a time machine? Travel to the future and bring back information to help civilisation, say, medicines to cure our most virulent diseases or a power source to break our crippling dependence on fossil fuels? Maybe you’d find out the results of major sporting events and selfishly make a fortune backing the winners? You might simply want to meet civilisation’s great thinkers of the past: DaVinci, Jesus Christ, Aristotle, Shakespeare or whoever discovered fire. Or perhaps, if you ventured ahead many millenia, you’d return with the meaning of life itself.

Well, if you were orange-mulleted pop star David Bowie, you’d journey forward a decade or two and reappear with a clutch of lame songs you’ve inspired for an Lp of cover versions with a twist. The time machine, a Teriberns-2000, was developed in collaboration with his Mainman management team and has allowed the former David Jones to see both how his current “Glam Rock” incarnation gives impetus to the next generation of Goth no-hopers like Bauhaus, and how his later self’s “plastic soul” and electronic collaborations with Brian Eno will directly galvanise “new wave” mediocrities such as ABC, Duran Duran and Gary Numan.

“It’s a dismal legacy,” sighed Bowie himself, “of whiny crooning and psuedo-psychology.” He went on to apologise profusely for his “dire impact” on popular music.

The quickly recorded, stop-gap Lp, done with little thought as to song arrangement and designed, as much as anything, to capitalise on Bowie’s current crest of popularity, will not only feature all of the lame-os above, but such upcoming shameless Bowie rip-offs as “A Girl Like You” by Edwyn Collins, “Party Hard” by Pulp, as well as Suede’s “This Hollywood Life” and Blur’s “M.O.R.”.

“Some of them, like the Psychedelic Furs’ ‘Love My Way’, really do sound uncannily like La Dame,” averred Mainman boss Tony DeFries of one forthcoming influencee. “A lot shittier, obviously, but still.”

Of course, Bowie’s anticipated influence extends beyond music and on to a school of cultural thought embracing cynical image manipulation that is due to be twisted as mere “style over content” and motivate many rampantly commercial artists, including one of the 80s and 90s biggest stars, Madonna; though interestingly, Bowie chose not bring back any of her songs to cover.

“The saying goes that only a few hundred people bought the first Velvet Underground record,” writes fresh-faced music journalist Clifford Snoats in his review of Pinups. “But that each one of them was inspired to start a band. Something of that same phenomenon will happen with Bowie, multiplied several fold given that he’ll shift that much more product. But what the saying doesn’t tell you is that 99.9% of those VU bands truly sucked ass, as is also the case here.”

“And I mean could-suck-the-chrome-right-off-a-tail-pipe sucked,” he added. “Spandau Ballet’s ‘To Cut a Long Story Short’? Seriously, what the fuck is that?”

As to what else the future will hold, Bowie would not be drawn, apart from saying that he would “sell a shedload of piss-poor albums in the 80s and then marry a Somoli supermodel.”

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Published in: on November 16, 2012 at 8:49 pm  Comments (6)  

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hilarious! Man I love Bowie….

  2. another good one asbo – is gary “newman” a deliberate mistake?

    your write-up reminds me of a novel i read many years ago, the title of which escapes me (maybe someone can help?) – a middle-aged guy finds himself back in time in the 1960’s as a teenager but with knowledge of the future, which he immediately exploits by betting on major sporting events (as described by asbo) to get stinking rich and all the finer things in life (for example, he buys a prototype video recorder years before they became commercially available). then when he reaches middle-age he goes back again as he is stuck in some sort of time loop. and again. and again. and each time he approaches life in a different way to try and get more meaning and fulfillment out of it. yes, i know what you’re thinking: it’s a bit like “groundhog day” (which came first?), but in this book he starts meeting others who also have this “ability” and things take a strange turn… apparently the film rights were taken up years ago, but sadly for some reason nobody has got around to making one yet.

    • No “Newman” was not a deliberate mistake. I thought it didn’t look right but didn’t check it. Tcha! It’s fixed now, cheers.

      I have a particular fondness for the time travel conceit, I like Groundhog Day a lot, and Back to the Future is one of my favorite (series of) films. I’d be interested to know the name of the book to which you refer.

  3. had to do a bit of digging, but i’ve found out the book was called “replay” – here’s the details:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Replay_%28novel%29

    looks like the book is now closer to being filmed than it ever was before – here’s hoping…

    • Hmmm, Zemeckis. Again with the Time Travel.

    • A best seller in Japan – perhaps time travel happens a lot in that country? Reminds me of the stat that a quite large percentage of people in the UK believe that time travel has been discovered and is indeed possible (into the past).


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