(Columbus, Ohio) — In a highly charged, paranoid speech to roommates in the common room of his Summit Street duplex, Myron Cartright today lambasted the inner Unipack-style gatefold of More Bob Dylan Greatest Hits as a “Goddamn nightmare of a surface” on which to break up his dried marijuana buds prior to their smoking. “And I swear Columbia Records totally intentionally made it impossible for the average stoner to sunder his herbs,” he ranted vehemently.
“It’s a total mind f*ck,” Cartright continued, “since they know everyone who listens to Dylan totally sparks up.”
Another occupant of the house, who gave his name as Eric The Half-a-Bee, claimed that “Carter’s been way flippin’ out seein’ as how he can’t de-seed the house reefer on that Dylan record. I’m like ‘Dude, just use the freakin’ ‘White Album’ like normal’ but he’s all, ‘I just bought this Bob record, I’m gonna use it.’ It seems a little single-minded to me.”
Cartright, who works at campus High Street head shop Waterbeds and Stuff, made clear the specific problems involved in using the 1971 double Lp compilation for stem and seed separation. “I’ve lost like three frickin’ lids worth of dope because it frickin’ opens up on the inner spine and slides all in,” he remarked between bong hits. “And all the shake is gettin’ stuck in there and I can’t close the gatefold now without, like, pushing down on it.”
Slouched on the living room sofa, Cartright began to express further, disparate thoughts on Bob Dylan: “Whoa, s’pose ol’ Bob came over to Summit Street to party and, you know, he’d wanna crush his smoke on one of his own records and he’d offer up a nice big fattie and I’d go, ‘Bob, toke on this,” an’ I’d pull out this humongous baggy of the most primo weed ever and pack [house bong] the Wizard…an’ then we totally f*ckin’ jam like I was f*ckin’ Happy Traum or something…[singing] ‘shut the light/shut that shade/you don’t hafta be afraid/I’ll be your lady [sic] tonight’…and he’d be like, ‘Man, you should definitely come out on tour’, that would totally rock. I’d be gettin’ more wang-dang sweet poontang than any of you Larrys, that’s for f*ckin’ sure.” He continued in this rambling vein for close to quarter of an hour.
“Dude, I got a coupon,” he concluded suddenly, “Who wants to order Dominos?”
Reached for comment at his Malibu, California home, Dylan called Cartright a “mungbean” for using the Unipack More Greatest Hits to clean his pot, arguing he should instead employ the Biograph box set as does Dylan himself. “Take out the [Biograph] booklet and Lps,” he explained, “and, bang, you’ve got a handy all-white, 12″ x 12″ dope separating surface with sides.”
“I haven’t lost a single bowl in a quarter of a century,” he smiled.
Editor’s note: Perhaps the best Dylan anthology in terms of the listening experience, More Bob Dylan Greatest Hits flows like a proper album; it was apparently compiled and sequenced by the great man himself. I used to own a cassette copy of the American version (known as Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits Volume II, two songs are different), purchased from Musicland at the Mansfield (Ohio) Mall one sunny afternoon with my friend Jovan. I know Bob’s not that highly thought of among Thrifty Vinyl readers, but there’s virtually a side of high quality material unavailable elsewhere making this, especially for £1 at Cats Protection, a worthwhile purchase.
NB to law enforcement agencies and snoopy family members: the pile of pungent, verdant herbs in the top photograph is nothing more sinister than basil from my spice rack.