R.E.M. – Chronic Town (1982)

SAM_0062REVEALED: DARKNESS, STROKES IN SCALP DEAL  Fans Fear Hammond Will Not Recover Curly Mop
(New York City, New York) – Details have today emerged of a deal between the respective managements of The Darkness and The Strokes to stem the tide of male pattern baldness in The Darkness lead singer Justin Hawkins in time for the release of the pop metal band’s 2012 LP Hot Cakes. In exchange for a ready supply of their coarse Mediterranean locks, The Strokes received substantial “irony” payments, which will allow them to affect different detached poses in relation to their art. In addition, the band will retain “pop sheen veneer” options, which the scruffy, leather-clad neo-punkers hope will reverse sliding fortunes as they ready promotions for their difficult fourth album, Angels.

Justin Hawkins was understandably nervous about the move: The history of intra-band, let alone inter-band, hair transplants has not always been a pretty one. For every Status Quo/Rick Parfaitt/Francis Rossi miracle, when blond hair took to brown follicles, there are ten R.E.M./Mike Mills/Michael Stipe disasters where, after an uncertain and frizzy start, Stipe was forced to give up, shave his head and, at times, affect a silly blue make-up eyestrip mask.

And don’t let’s even get started on the tragic early 90s cross gender hair transfer between Celine Dion and Michael Bolton.

Accordingly, the be-spandexed lead singer was initially in favour of the less invasive Scorpions Manoever, so named for the famously all-balding heavy metal band, whereby whatever remaining hair is sprayed high with a “thickening” agent. It is said that his similarly thinning haired guitarist brother, Dan, who pointed out how thoroughly ridiculous the Germans looked by their Love Bite album, persuaded Hawkins otherwise.

Negotiations were no less fraught on The Strokes side with bassist Nikolai Fraiture arguing that irony and pop sheen veneer were “the last refuges of a scoundrel” and would cost the band their remaining shreds of street credibility. He was voted down 5 – 1 by the rest of the band who were intent on avoiding what another member called “the dead end of cult hero-dom.”

However, while The Darkness seems to have more hair than ever, there is photographic evidence that Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond, Jr, once the band’s hairiest member, may be suffering permanent follicle depletion as a result of the deal; and neither group seems to benefitted public imagination capturing-wise.

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Published in: on July 24, 2013 at 2:06 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. i was watching a quiz show the other night, and the question “what was the name of the album that had “losing my religion” on it?” came up. rather shamefully i had a really bad memory block and thought it was “automatic for the people” and then realised it was the one before that and the one after “green” but i couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was called, despite it being far and away their biggest-selling album and one i used to see all the time (the answer was “out of time”).

    senility must be kicking in…


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