LOCAL RECORD STORE CLERK THINKS HE’S NICK FUCKING KENT OR SOMETHING
(Columbus, OH) Erroll Graine obviously thinks he’s some kind of fucking music critic or something the way he bangs on and on about record minutia in that smarmy, know-it-all way of his, patrons of local music emporium Secondhand Student Records reported yesterday.
“Jesus, what a prick,” recalled Phillip Green. “When I brought this country record I’d got in the cheapo section up to the counter, he goes, ‘Ah, songwriter Dan McCorison’s eponymous debut’–I mean, who ever uses the word ‘eponymous’?”
“And then he went on, ‘A solid, late 70s commercial country effort produced by ex-Byrd bassist Chris Hillman that neither disappoints nor challenges country orthodoxy’,” said an exasperated Green. “Yes, the pretentious asshole really said ‘country orthodoxy’?”
“Oh yeah,” agreed Tom Weston, another Second Student customer,”That guy’s totally into ‘crit-speak’ bon mots, using words like ‘oeuvre‘ and ‘canon’ and ‘sophomore effort’ and describing records as like someone else ‘on acid’.”
“It is very fucking tiresome,” Weston added.
“I like to think I’m doing a public service,” smiled Graine smugly unaware of the irritation he causes. “If people come into a record store, you know, they expect some expert guidance which I’m happy to provide.”
“Like that Dan McCorison Lp I sold today….” The dorkwad, now beginning to witter as if unable to help himself, launched into music writer mode.
“I definitely enhanced that guy’s shopping experience by explaining that it betrayed none of its producer’s former band’s glorious harmonic sheen, but rather was the kind of likeable, half-decent country record you found clogging up the K-Mart cut-out bin back in 1981.”
“And really, you should have seen how grateful he was when I pointed out that the only blip in the album’s aw-shucks-ma’am, hick-schtick was a truly bizarre reggae take on Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’.”
Secondhand Student manager, Dan Onhigh, believes Graine is “perpetually stringing Dorothy Parker-isms in his head” and is so able to blurt them out when required.
“He should start a blog to get all that bullshit out of his system,” Onhigh said.