DARKNESS, STROKES IN SCALP RESURFACING DEAL
(New York City, New York) – Details have today emerged of a deal between managements of The Darkness and The Strokes to stem the tide of male pattern baldness in The Darkness lead singer Justin Hawkins in time for the release of the pop metal band’s follow-up to 2012 comeback, Hot Cakes.
In exchange for a ready supply of their coarse Mediterranean locks, The Strokes will receive substantial “irony” payments, which will allow them to affect different detached poses in relation to their art. In addition, the band will retain “pop sheen veneer” options, which the leather-clad neo-punkers hope will reverse sliding fortunes as have announced that they are working towards a “return to the scene” in 2015.
However, despite the obvious benefits to both sides, the formal arrangements have taken a long time to hammer out, as evidenced by the bands’ respective coolings-off public imagination-wise.
Justin Hawkins was understandably nervous about the move: The history of intra-band, let alone inter-band, hair transplants has not always been a pretty one. For every Status Quo/Rick Parfaitt/Francis Rossi miracle, when blond hair took to brown follicles, there’s ten R.E.M./Mike Mills/Mike Stipe disasters where, after an uncertain and frizzy start, Stipe was forced to give up, shave his head and even, in the mid-2000s, affect a silly blue make-up eyestrip mask.
And don’t let’s even get started on the tragic early 90s cross gender hair transfer between Celine Dion and Michael Bolton.
Accordingly, the be-spandexed lead singer was initially in favour of the less invasive “Scorpions Manoever”, so named for the famously all-balding German heavy metal band, whereby whatever remaining hair is teased and sprayed high with a “thickening” agent. It is said that his similarly thinning haired guitarist brother, Dan, who pointed out how thoroughly ridiculous the group looked by the time of their Love Bite album, persuaded Hawkins otherwise.
Negotiations were no less fraught on The Strokes side with bassist Nikolai Fraiture arguing that irony and pop sheen veneer were “the last refuges of a scoundrel” and would cost the band their remaining shreds of street credibility. He was voted down 5 – 1 by the rest of the band who were intent on avoiding what another member called “the dead end of cult hero-dom.”
As of press time, concerns were growing that Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond Jr.’s hair was not actually growing back.