MADONNA TO RELEASE “GRIME” ALBUM

Madonna-2MADONNA TO RELEASE “GRIME” ALBUM                    Self-Styled “Lady” Madonna’s Sick In Bed Lp Set For Early 2015 Release

(South London, England) – Following a long-standing tradition of media manipulation, pop singer Madonna is set to re-invented herself as a Lady Sovereign-style “Grime” artist.

In additition to “spitting” atop canny recreations of Dubstep riddims, the multi-millionairess single mum plans to move into a dingy, cramped 2-bedroom flat on a council estate in Lewisham, south London with children, Lourdes, 18, and Rocco, 14, David 9 and Mercy, 9 for added “road” credibilty.

According to Cambridge academic and sociologist Marc Macion, “It’s rare when one event marks the emergence of a cultural phenomenon from under- to firmly over-ground trend, but this is such an incident.”

“Of course,” said Macion, “this also signifies the cultural critical mass at which Grime/Dubstep actually ceaces to be culturally important, with the truly influential and innovative EDM artists moving on to exclusive sub-genres such as Techno Grime, Dubstep Ragga, Grimy House, Hard Garage Grime and Hastings Grimestep Rockers.”

 

Published in: on December 12, 2014 at 11:22 am  Comments (2)  

UN TO BAN BRACE OF “CLASSIC” ALBUMS FROM FUTURE TOP 100 LISTS

800px-United_Nations_General_Assembly_Hall_(3)UN To Ban Brace of “Classic” Albums From Future Top 100 Lists
Pet SoundsAstral WeeksWhat’s Going OnForever ChangesVU & Nico, et al. for chop

(New York City, New York) – In light of the unremitting naming of a select few records in most Top 100 Albums lists, the United Nations has passed a resolution calling for the immediate banning of some fifty “classic” albums from all future critics’, readers’, listeners’ and viewers’ polls.

Apart from excising records for their ubiquity, Resolution 21-12 also excludes albums for being over-rated, with Pacific Ocean BlueThe Queen Is DeadGrievous Angel and Out of Time cited as particularly egregious examples.

UN boss Ban Ki-moon of South Korea is especially proud of his work on the Stone Roses. “We worked hard to get rid of that first Stone Roses record. I think Great British people are sentimental about it, but, believe me, apart from ‘Waterfalls’ it’s an ‘OK’ record at best.”

However, leaked minutes of high level UN talks reveal that Ban had to give up a crucial provision, which would have seen a blanket Frank Zappa and Oasis embargo, in a last-minute deal with several Balkan states to get the Roses ban.

The resolution marks a particular victory for African leaders who, for years, have been accusing Western critics of subsidising relatively obscure artists, inflating their canonical standing to a level completely at odds with their ability to sell records.

“Look at Fela Kuti, who’s sold millions of albums in Africa and the ‘developing world’. He languishes, even if he’s lucky, in some World Music poll,” explained Salif N’yabi, the UN’s Senegalese representative “And yet you get these British and American critics fawning over Trout Mask Replica, which has shifted way less than 100,000 units!”

However, Clifford Snoates, a Columbus, Ohio music writer, defends the so-called “Big Star” subsidies (named for the achingly beautiful and melancholic 70s power pop band that more people have heard of than have actually heard), arguing that cultural influence far outstrips sales in terms of importance.

“Without ‘Big Star’ subsidies,” the rock critic said, “too many would be unaware of Marquee Moon’s ‘exquisite guitar interplay’ or Raw Power’s ‘visceral riffage’. I’m worried that without proper fan-boy slavering and extra coverage, underground critic’s darlings, like New Bomb Turks and especially Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments will simply vanish.”

“And do you remember the Gaunt 7″, ‘Jim Motherfucker’? They made a wicked t-shirt over that, that said ‘Jerry’s An Asshole’. That was cool.”

In backing the resolution on behalf of the Obama administration, United States Vice-President Joseph Biden said, “It’s not like I think Radio City isn’t great, it is. But everybody knows this and it’s time to give Heart of the Congos, etc., etc. a look in.”

Speaker of the US House of Representatives John Boehner pointed out that often one album will often dominate an artist’s body of work to the detriment of others.

“No duh, Sign “O” The Times remains Prince’s masterpiece,” said the outspoken Republican, “But if it weren’t for the 1987 double album hogging all the fun-sized singers’ votes, we’d see Lovesexy, my personal favorite, on a lot more lists.”

Some European member states have called, unsuccessfully, for additional regulations to ensure the adequate representation of female artists.

“I’m disappointed that the security council vetoed [the Womens’ EQ Charter],” said Maardi Wessim, the Dutch UN ambassador in charge of women’s affairs.

“Apart from BlueLady Soul, and maybe Dusty In Memphis you’re not going to see too many women on your average top albums lists. Quotas would have redressed this imbalance.”

The remainder of the list includes: Exile on Main StreetHighway 61 RevisitedLet It BleedBlonde On BlondeAre You Experienced?The BandNever Mind The BollocksLondon CallingBeggars BanquetZiggy StardustAutomatic For the PeopleThe Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation SocietyBlood On the Tracks, Sticky Fingers, There’s A Riot Goin’ On, Innervisions, Tonight’s The Night, “Zoso”, Physical Graffiti, Odessey (sic) & Oracle, Velvet Underground (3rd album), #1 Record, Sister/Lovers, Nevermind, Who’s Next, Blood On the Tracks and all the original 60’s Beatles albums except Magical Mystery Tour, which is still great, even though it wasn’t actually a proper album but a compilation of the British Magical Mystery Tour double EP and contemporary singles.

Published in: on December 10, 2014 at 1:43 pm  Comments (1)  

NEW GERI HALLIWELL AUTOBIOGRAPHY

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Geri Halliwell Completes Autobiography Trilogy With New Bombshell Revelation: Everything In First Two Autobiographies Was A Lie
(London, England) — With shocking candour, Geri Halliwell has written openly for the first time about the complete mendacity of If Only and Geri: Just for the Record, the former Spice Girl’s first two autobiographies.

“I truly believe my copious fabrications were a cry for help,” writes the erstwhile Ginger Spice in the introduction to her candid new autobiography, …And Nothing But the Truth.

“After the Spice Girls broke up”, she continues, “I had trouble getting away from that old ‘Ginger Spice’ persona, so I guess I tried to move on by lying repeatedly in my first two autobiographies about everything.”

“I am truly sorry to anyone who was caught up in my web of deceit,” a contrite Halliwell shares, “I’m sure you’ll understand why it happened, if you buy my new book this Christmas.”

…And Nothing But the Truth also details the ex-Girl Power advocate’s involvement in Bacchanalian group orgies, alien abduction and even murder. Fans are already buzzing about what Halliwell could possibly be holding back for the next instalment.

Published in: on December 9, 2014 at 6:49 pm  Leave a Comment  

LENNON & McCARTNEY WROTE SONGS TOGETHER AS LATE AS 1980

2014 Women's Leadership Award Honoring Stella McCartney

Lennon & McCartney Wrote Songs Together As Late As 1980
Shocking New Macca Claim
(Rye, England)– On the thirty-fourth anniversary of John Lennon’s murder, Sir Paul McCartney has fantastically revealed that he and Lennon had not only healed the bitter rift between them, but actually renewed their songwriting partnership during the last two “or so” years of the slain Beatles life.

“Owing to the fact that we’d become totally BBFs again, John and I spent a lot of time together in the late ’70s,” he explained, cannily pouring oil on troubled waters and not at all stretching credulity. “We would be talking about fatherhood and bread-making recipes and whatnot and then, naturally as you like, we would just fall in to songwriting.”

McCartney has further stated that the songs, which he is “pretty sure [are] in a desk or dressing table drawer in his New York apartment” are “probably as good or better” than most Beatles songs.

Co-incidentally and in no way related to his shocking new claims, Sir Paul has a new song out called “Hope For the Future”.

 

Published in: on December 8, 2014 at 3:18 pm  Comments (2)  

ORIGINAL PINK FLOYD TO RE-UNITE

The Pink Floyd yesterday

Pink Floyd yesterday

ORIGINAL PINK FLOYD TO RE-UNITE               Supergroup Mini-Tour In Support Of New Lp

(London, England) – It’s the news Pink Floyd fans have been waiting almost 30 years to hear: all the original members of the British supergroup are officially getting back together to play a series of high-profile gigs in major cities early in 2015. Facebook and other social media are abuzz with the news that the 60s art rockers, minus deceased founder members Syd Barrett and Richard Wright, will perform a “mini-tour” in support of their new Lp The Endless River. Break out the inflatable pigs and 11kg white flat-fold 1.5m x 0.75m x 0.3m cardboard bricks in celebration as the classic rock behemoths once more stand astride the stage to perform hits like “Brian Damage”, “Another Prick In the Wall” and “Sign On You Crazy Diamond”, apart from bassist and creative lynchpin Roger Waters, who famously fell out with the band in the mid-1980s and has dismissed their subsequent music as “ersatz Pink Floyd”. Phones at Ticketmaster have been literally ringing off the hook as fans try and book tickets to see remaining Floyd members David Gilmour and Nick Mason appear, without drummer Mason, in concerts in London, Dortmund, Los Angeles and New York. Gilmour, the Pink Floyd guitarist and latter-day leader who has declined to perform with his former band, has praised the upcoming Floyd shows saying, “I’m sure they will be absolutely fabulous.”

 

Published in: on November 27, 2014 at 10:51 am  Leave a Comment  

DARKNESS, STROKES IN SCALP RESURFACING DEAL

DARKNESS, STROKES IN SCALP RESURFACING DEAL

(New York City, New York) – Details have today emerged of a deal between managements of The Darkness and The Strokes to stem the tide of male pattern baldness in The Darkness lead singer Justin Hawkins in time for the release of the pop metal band’s follow-up to 2012 comeback, Hot Cakes.
images-1In exchange for a ready supply of their coarse Mediterranean locks, The Strokes will receive substantial “irony” payments, which will allow them to affect different detached poses in relation to their art. In addition, the band will retain “pop sheen veneer” options, which the leather-clad neo-punkers hope will reverse sliding fortunes as have announced that they are working towards a “return to the scene” in 2015.
imagesHowever, despite the obvious benefits to both sides, the formal arrangements have taken a long time to hammer out, as evidenced by the bands’ respective coolings-off public imagination-wise.

Justin Hawkins was understandably nervous about the move: The history of intra-band, let alone inter-band, hair transplants has not always been a pretty one. For every Status Quo/Rick Parfaitt/Francis Rossi miracle, when blond hair took to brown follicles, there’s ten R.E.M./Mike Mills/Mike Stipe disasters where, after an uncertain and frizzy start, Stipe was forced to give up, shave his head and even, in the mid-2000s, affect a silly blue make-up eyestrip mask.

And don’t let’s even get started on the tragic early 90s cross gender hair transfer between Celine Dion and Michael Bolton.

Accordingly, the be-spandexed lead singer was initially in favour of the less invasive “Scorpions Manoever”, so named for the famously all-balding German heavy metal band, whereby whatever remaining hair is teased and sprayed high with a “thickening” agent. It is said that his similarly thinning haired guitarist brother, Dan, who pointed out how thoroughly ridiculous the group looked by the time of their Love Bite album, persuaded Hawkins otherwise.

Negotiations were no less fraught on The Strokes side with bassist Nikolai Fraiture arguing that irony and pop sheen veneer were “the last refuges of a scoundrel” and would cost the band their remaining shreds of street credibility. He was voted down 5 – 1 by the rest of the band who were intent on avoiding what another member called “the dead end of cult hero-dom.”

As of press time, concerns were growing that Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond Jr.’s hair was not actually growing back.

 
Published in: on November 26, 2014 at 2:07 pm  Comments (2)  

The Stories We’re Working On In the Thrifty Vinyl Newsroom


the-register-168-1993-300x191The Stories We’re Working On In the Thrifty Vinyl
Newsroom – It’s All the Music News That Matters

  • Fan Letter Unanswered
  • Franz Ferdinand, Kaiser Chiefs Proud To Continue The Naming-Your-Band-After-WWI-Things Tradition Begun By Sopwith Camel
  • Daft Punk Neither
  • Marshall Electronics To Develop New Amplifiers That Go Up To Twelve 
  • Rolling Stones Purchased By National Trust, Refurbished In Time For Early 2015 Re-Opening
  • Novelty Band Ends Yet Another Fucking Song With “Cha-Cha-Cha”
  • After Death of Lou Reed, Area Man Claims He Is Waldo Jeffers, Was Not Stabbed With Scissors, Had Sex After Mailing Self To Girlfriend
  • Whole Lotta Lenya, a band which covers AC/DC songs in the style of Kurt Weill, admits it only exists for the sake of its nominal pun
  • Our reviewers try to critique the Kinks without using the phrase “quintessentially English”, Jacob Dylan without mentioning his father, Joe Jackson without referring to him as a former “angry young man” or comparing him to Elvis Costello and the new Soul Jazz Studio One compilation without recourse to embarrassing Jamaican patois.
  • Local punk band The Ass-Burger Syndrome breaks up over autistic differences
  • London’s Rinse FM DJ Spends More Time Bigging-Up Various Local Crews Than Playing Music
  • Karaoke Jonathan Richman Technically Much Better Than Original
  • Enya Finally Cracks
  • Air Guitar Amplifier Speaker Pierced As Air Guitar Plunged Through It
  • Nas Releases 4-CD Concept Album Based On Nixon’s Visit To Great Wall of China 
  • Opera Not Over, Despite Previous Understanding Vis-A-Vis Obese Woman 
  • Shy Couple Face Music, Remain Seated
Published in: on November 24, 2014 at 3:26 pm  Comments (5)  

Dave Brubeck Quartet – Newport 1958 (TFL 5059) (1958)

SAM_0613Well-regarded, peak Brubeck prior to his famous rhythmic experiments a couple of years down the road. Still exciting, Ellington-heavy set provides the melodic depth and swing for the academic leader and his jamming soloist/rhythm section. One quid for me.

Published in: on November 23, 2014 at 9:27 am  Leave a Comment  

All Jazz – A Decade of Pacific Jazz (ZET2) (1962)

SAM_0610“In my music, I’m trying to play the truth of what I am. The reason it’s difficult is because I am changing all the time.” — Charles Mingus.

I have some sympathy with Mingus’ sentiment (recently highlighted in the Basement Tapes Complete box set), both in its original intention and as a music enthusiast. Practically, this means that over the years I’ve played in classical, jazz, punk, folk and electronic bands and can listen to Sandy Denny, Studio One reggae or the Stooges and say to myself, ‘This is my favorite-ever music’ and mean it in each case. SAM_0611Or, indeed, in the case of this Pacific Jazz compilation which is not only 100% great, but features a complimentary range of smooth and spiky soul jazz from 1950s California. SAM_0612It is my favorite-ever music. Mean it. And only for £1 a couple weeks ago in Hythe.

Published in: on November 23, 2014 at 9:17 am  Leave a Comment  

Dave Grohl: “My Music Is Too Superficial Now”

Screen shot 2014-11-21 at 15.08.37DAVE GROHL: “MY MUSIC IS SO SUPERFICIAL”     If my new record needs some ridiculous conceit to sell it, that’s a problem,’ says Grohl

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl has spoken about his children forcing him to listen to his music.

Speaking in a Thrifty Vinyl interview when asked what his three daughters listen to (Grohl’s children are aged eight years old, five years old and three months), Grohl said: “The worst thing they impose on me is the Foo Fighters’ latest album.”

“My current music is a real test in terms of loyalty towards your kids,” the former Nirvana drummer continued. “But at the same time I can still make them listen to my good stuff. I got my eldest two, Harper and Violet, a turntable and a Nirvana box set. So they listen to Bleach and Nevermind. Give a six-year-old a turntable and the ‘Love Buzz’ or ‘Sliver’ singles and I guarantee that within one hour they will be doing what you did when you were six years old, too. Records on the floor, dancing, singing; it’s great.”

Elsewhere in the interview, Grohl talked about what he perceives as the dire state of his current music, claiming that, “my music is so superficial”.

“It’s fun to listen to, to turn up in your car when you’re in traffic, but there’s no substance at all. It’s devoid of any meaning. I’m not just saying that as a 45-year-old rock musician, I’m saying that as a human being. If my new record needs some ridiculous conceit to sell it, that’s a problem.”

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Published in: on November 21, 2014 at 3:20 pm  Comments (2)  
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