(New York City) – New York City Coroners are still running tests to determine whether initial reports of Lou Reed’s demise are correct. Early indications suggested that the legendary Velvet Underground singer-songwriter was merely in a funk of some sort as he stared stonily at friends during a luncheon at his Blairstown, New Jersey home yesterday. However, forensic scientists say this may have been evidence of early onset death.
Reed remained mute throughout the party, which at least one guest attributed to his wife’s fawning allusion to the host’s groundbreaking band. “Lou’s easily pissed off and doesn’t appreciate someone trying to blow smoke up his ass,” recalled neighbour Max Unger. “So when Carole [Unger] said something about the Velvet’s first Lp capturing the zeitgeist of 60s bohemian New York much better than Midnight Cowboy, and Lou just sat there, I assumed he was just, you know, being crotchety, but it’s possible he was dead.”
Confusion has also arisen due to Reed’s pale, drawn appearance of late. “He’s been looking especially careworn and cadaverous during the past ten years,” a spokesman for New York’s Chief Medical Examiner reported. “So it’s not unthinkable that Mr. Reed has been deceased since the early 2000s.”
Others have refused to speculate on the notoriously difficult interviewee’s hold on life until Reed’s next album: “I’m content to wait until Lou releases some new music before deciding whether he’s dead or not,” said one New York fan this morning. “If it’s just, like, complete silence, then I think a case can be made for his passing on.”
Adding, “Of course, even that could be a Metal Machine Music-style art prank.”