MADONNA TO RELEASE “GRIME” ALBUM

MADONNA TO RELEASE “GRIME” ALBUM                    Self-Styled “Lady” Madonna’s Sick In Bed Lp Set For Early 2015 Release

(South London, England) – Following a long-standing tradition of media manipulation, pop singer Madonna is set to re-invented herself as a Lady Sovereign-style “Grime” artist.

In additition to “spitting” atop canny recreations of Dubstep riddims, the multi-millionairess single mum plans to move into a dingy, cramped 2-bedroom flat on a council estate in Lewisham, south London with children, Lourdes, 18, and Rocco, 14, David 9 and Mercy, 9 for added “road” credibilty.

According to Cambridge academic and sociologist Marc Macion, “It’s rare when one event marks the emergence of a cultural phenomenon from under- to firmly over-ground trend, but this is such an incident.”

“Of course,” said Macion, “this also signifies the cultural critical mass at which Grime/Dubstep actually ceaces to be culturally important, with the truly influential and innovative EDM artists moving on to exclusive sub-genres such as Techno Grime, Dubstep Ragga, Grimy House, Hard Garage Grime and Hastings Grimestep Rockers.”

 

UN TO BAN BRACE OF “CLASSIC” ALBUMS FROM FUTURE TOP 100 LISTS

UN To Ban Brace of “Classic” Albums From Future Top 100 Lists
Pet Sounds, Astral Weeks, What’s Going On, Forever Changes, VU & Nico, et al. for chop

(New York City, New York) – In light of the unremitting naming of a select few records in most Top 100 Albums lists, the United Nations has passed a resolution calling for the immediate banning of some fifty “classic” albums from all future critics’, readers’, listeners’ and viewers’ polls.

Apart from excising records for their ubiquity, Resolution 21-12 also excludes albums for being over-rated, with Pacific Ocean Blue, The Queen Is Dead, Grievous Angel and Out of Time cited as particularly egregious examples.

UN boss Ban Ki-moon of South Korea is especially proud of his work on the Stone Roses. “We worked hard to get rid of that first Stone Roses record. I think Great British people are sentimental about it, but, believe me, apart from ‘Waterfalls’ it’s an ‘OK’ record at best.”

However, leaked minutes of high level UN talks reveal that Ban had to give up a crucial provision, which would have seen a blanket Frank Zappa and Oasis embargo, in a last-minute deal with several Balkan states to get the Roses ban.

The resolution marks a particular victory for African leaders who, for years, have been accusing Western critics of subsidising relatively obscure artists, inflating their canonical standing to a level completely at odds with their ability to sell records.

“Look at Fela Kuti, who’s sold millions of albums in Africa and the ‘developing world’. He languishes, even if he’s lucky, in some World Music poll,” explained Salif N’yabi, the UN’s Senegalese representative “And yet you get these British and American critics fawning over Trout Mask Replica, which has shifted way less than 100,000 units!”

However, Clifford Snoates, a Columbus, Ohio music writer, defends the so-called “Big Star” subsidies (named for the achingly beautiful and melancholic 70s power pop band that more people have heard of than have actually heard), arguing that cultural influence far outstrips sales in terms of importance.

“Without ‘Big Star’ subsidies,” the rock critic said, “too many would be unaware of Marquee Moon’s ‘exquisite guitar interplay’ or Raw Power’s ‘visceral riffage’. I’m worried that without proper fan-boy slavering and extra coverage, underground critic’s darlings, like New Bomb Turks and especially Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments will simply vanish.”

“And do you remember the Gaunt 7″, ‘Jim Motherfucker’? They made a wicked t-shirt over that, that said ‘Jerry’s An Asshole’. That was cool.”

In backing the resolution on behalf of the Obama administration, United States Vice-President Joseph Biden said, “It’s not like I think Radio City isn’t great, it is. But everybody knows this and it’s time to give Heart of the Congos, etc., etc. a look in.”

Speaker of the US House of Representatives John Boehner pointed out that often one album will often dominate an artist’s body of work to the detriment of others.

“No duh, Sign “O” The Times remains Prince’s masterpiece,” said the outspoken Republican, “But if it weren’t for the 1987 double album hogging all the fun-sized singers’ votes, we’d see Lovesexy, my personal favorite, on a lot more lists.”

Some European member states have called, unsuccessfully, for additional regulations to ensure the adequate representation of female artists.

“I’m disappointed that the security council vetoed [the Womens’ EQ Charter],” said Maardi Wessim, the Dutch UN ambassador in charge of women’s affairs.

“Apart from Blue, Lady Soul, and maybe Dusty In Memphis you’re not going to see too many women on your average top albums lists. Quotas would have redressed this imbalance.”

The remainder of the list includes: Exile on Main Street, Highway 61 Revisited, Let It Bleed, Blonde On Blonde, Are You Experienced?, The Band, Never Mind The Bollocks, London Calling, Beggars Banquet, Ziggy Stardust, Automatic For the People, The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society, Blood On the Tracks, Sticky Fingers, There’s A Riot Goin’ On, Innervisions, Tonight’s The Night, “Zoso”, Physical Graffiti, Odessey (sic) & Oracle, Velvet Underground (3rd album), #1 Record, Sister/Lovers, Nevermind, Who’s Next, Blood On the Tracks and all the original 60’s Beatles albums except Magical Mystery Tour, which is still great, even though it wasn’t actually a proper album but a compilation of the British Magical Mystery Tour double EP and contemporary singles.

NEW GERI HALLIWELL AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Geri Halliwell Completes Autobiography Trilogy With New Bombshell Revelation: Everything In First Two Autobiographies Was A Lie
(London, England) — With shocking candour, Geri Halliwell has written openly for the first time about the complete mendacity of If Only and Geri: Just for the Record, the former Spice Girl’s first two autobiographies.

“I truly believe my copious fabrications were a cry for help,” writes the erstwhile Ginger Spice in the introduction to her candid new autobiography, …And Nothing But the Truth.

“After the Spice Girls broke up”, she continues, “I had trouble getting away from that old ‘Ginger Spice’ persona, so I guess I tried to move on by lying repeatedly in my first two autobiographies about everything.”

“I am truly sorry to anyone who was caught up in my web of deceit,” a contrite Halliwell shares, “I’m sure you’ll understand why it happened, if you buy my new book this Christmas.”

…And Nothing But the Truth also details the ex-Girl Power advocate’s involvement in Bacchanalian group orgies, alien abduction and even murder. Fans are already buzzing about what Halliwell could possibly be holding back for the next instalment.

LENNON & McCARTNEY WROTE SONGS TOGETHER AS LATE AS 1980

Lennon & McCartney Wrote Songs Together As Late As 1980
Shocking New Macca Claim
(Rye, England)– On the thirty-fourth anniversary of John Lennon’s murder, Sir Paul McCartney has fantastically revealed that he and Lennon had not only healed the bitter rift between them, but actually renewed their songwriting partnership during the last two “or so” years of the slain Beatles life.

“Owing to the fact that we’d become totally BBFs again, John and I spent a lot of time together in the late ’70s,” he explained, cannily pouring oil on troubled waters and not at all stretching credulity. “We would be talking about fatherhood and bread-making recipes and whatnot and then, naturally as you like, we would just fall in to songwriting.”

McCartney has further stated that the songs, which he is “pretty sure [are] in a desk or dressing table drawer in his New York apartment” are “probably as good or better” than most Beatles songs.

Co-incidentally and in no way related to his shocking new claims, Sir Paul has a new song out called “Hope For the Future”.